My first, my last, my everything…

March 7, 2008 by Rob Scanlon

It’s 1.15 am on the morning of my 23rd birthday. I’m lying on the sofa in the living room watching the third day of New Zealand versus England. My girlfriend is lying partially across me, sleeping soundly. I’m watching my favourite sport in it’s best format (test match) but I find myself channel flicking. I’ve become strangely hypnotised by a rundown of ‘the greatest pop disasters’ on a music channel, with that Howard fella from the Halifax ad’s singing a Barry White cover. Our log fire has finally fizzled out and it’s becoming cold in the room, and Howard has made way for the Cheeky girls on holiday. Normally my attention span towards cricket is pretty good but this is an exception- it’s dull.

A benign pitch, a slow run-rate (just scratching over 2 an over), and Bob Willis on the mic combine to nullify any entertainment.

Even some of the players look bored- Paul Collingwood, who is next to bat, was caught yawning by the cameraman and can be seen desperately and rather fruitlessly trying to revive himself. The cameraman who’s job it seems to be to find attractive women in the crowd (see any Brazil football game for reference) seems to have given up and is focused on Phil Mustard signing autographs for a gaggle of youngsters. It’s the most animation the crowd have displayed all day- the New Zealand public clearly aren’t interested, even a Kevin Pieterson six is only greeted by a ripple of applause. New Zealand have only played 4 tests in 14 months and you begin to see why- the public want fast action, a one day extravaganza that won’t consume too much of their time. This match is the polar opposite.

There’s so many empty seats and spaces on the grass that it resembles a county championship game on a dreary mid-season afternoon in Worcester. David Lloyd, commentating for Sky, asks David Gower if he has any tatoo’s- surely a rhetorical question. But no, Gower gives a full and reasoned answer. We seem to have hit a new low.

I retire to bed, pondering that I should be doing something better with myself despite my advancing years. I’ve switched on the radio and Bell is bowled, though you wouldn’t know from the crowd reaction. The commentators then move on to discuss their sky subscription packages (seriously). Geoffrey Boycott isn’t on the air- he may well be next in to bat, it’s his sort of game.

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